The Bereavement Duration
by chasingballoons
Summary: The five stages of grief written in Sheldon's POV. His thoughts and feelings.
1. Chapter 1

_**This is set during season 9. I wrote it after reading the spoilers for episode 2 in the middle of the night so I'm sorry if it makes no sense/sucks/there's loads of typos. there will be 5 chapters, each for one stage of grieving. I've included a brief description of what each stage entails at the beginning (**_ ** _/the-five-stages-of-grief/ )_**

 **Denial**

 _Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. You are in a state of shock and denial. You try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as you can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface._

This couldn't be happening. This is a dream.

Sheldon pinched himself and hissed in pain, not only from the red mark now forming on his arm but also the emotional wound in his heart. It wasn't a dream.

Amy had asked for a break.

This realisation caused the agonising pain to spread from his chest to the rest of his body. A crippling pain that had Sheldon hyperventilating to suppress it.

This couldn't be happening. Of course it wasn't happening. Amy said that just needed some time. Surely it can't take long. She loved him didn't she? Soon everything will be back to normal… wouldn't it? And the ring… Sheldon had no idea what his next step should be. He obviously had to give her time, but for how long?

Thoughts were racing fast through his head. Sheldon hated to be unorganised but a messy head was something much harder to sort through. He decided to sleep on it, however REM sleep was unachievable.

Sheldon didn't even stop to think on his way to see Amy. He just had to see her. They had to sort things out. Panic set it when she said he hadn't left enough time. He had never done this before. How was he supposed to know the rules and regulations? No one was here to help him. However, Sheldon sensed this was something he had to figure out on his own.

She had agreed to let him walk with her. It was all okay. They were back together. Or so he thought.

 _ **Next up, anger**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Anger**

 _Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. Anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. Underneath anger is pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love._

Revenge. That was all Sheldon could think of. He had to make her feel as bad as he did.

He knew deep down that this was just a ploy for her attention but it was as if rage had overcome his body and mind so much so that all other emotions became oblivious to him.

Public humiliation was low but he couldn't help himself complain during the shoot of 'Fun with Flags'. They used to do that together. She would stand behind the camera and he would find his eyes rising to watch her instead of the camera. Occasionally Amy would also help on stage, it was much more fun when she was up there with him. But now he was alone.

The anger was boiling in Sheldon. Wasn't she the one who wanted to increase their intimacy? Now that he was ready and prepared to take things further she decides to step back. Even after he had tried to give her time, talk about their future and even bring up the prospect of them having children, she had abandoned him. Hypocritical.

He was not going to let that happen. She had to pay for all the hurt she had caused. He had to hurt her in return. Guilt tripping and emotional blackmail. He knew it was wrong. He knew it wouldn't get her back. But at the moment he didn't want her back. He didn't need her. He had gone his whole life without the need for a romantic partner. He could survive. Yes her betrayal hurt but it wouldn't for long.

Paper cuts, only deeper.


	3. Chapter 3

**Bargaining**

 _Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. We become lost in a maze of "If only…" or "What if…" statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time. Guilt is often bargaining's companion. The "if onlys" cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we think we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt._

What had he done? He had ruined everything. There was no way that she would take him back now. Those petty arguments and how he had lashed out at her, how would it of solved anything?

If only he had been as mature as she was being. She hadn't let his childish behaviour get to her. She simply ignored him, she was moving one. She was being strong.

He had tried to fix it. He had apologised. He had presented an updated and altered version of the relationship agreement. Then when that failed he had even terminated it altogether. But it wasn't enough. He was beginning to think that nothing will ever be enough.

He tried to show her he had changed. He had turned up at her apartment on several occasions, sometimes he couldn't even bring himself to knock. He just stood there staring at the door. He felt he was being irritating and annoying by constantly going after her. He knew that it wasn't doing anything to help their situation but he just wanted to explain himself. He tried negotiating and begging and bargaining. Pleading her to take him back. But he knew he needed to do more than that.

He just wanted to see her. He just wanted to make sure she was okay. He just wanted things to be the same as they once were. He wanted to go back in time. Make things right.

He attempted to act natural around her, as if nothing had happened. They both did. As if they were both completely alright. As if the emotional wounds didn't cut that deep. On the surface they were fine and that's how their friends chose to see it. Something, however, was off. The subject was never brought up. They were the same two people, Sheldon kept telling himself. There was just less talking. Less closeness. Less intimacy. Less of a connection. His world had dulled.

But still the world brightened whenever he saw her.

It was all his fault. He didn't deserve Amy Farrah Fowler. She had been a wonderful girlfriend, so caring and patient. She understood him in a way that no one else could. And he had thrown it all away. He just wanted her to be happy. He hated to be the one that caused her pain.

Sheldon pushed away the pain. He pretended everything was okay. He bottled it all up, but eventually that bottle would overflow.

 **Next up, depression...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Depression**

 _After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way._

Sheldon had not come out of his room in days. He was wallowing is despair and his friends had been worried. They told him to snap out of it. They told him to go back to work, they told him to shower, to eat, to stop moping, and to stop his despondent attitude. They didn't understand. It didn't help that Leonard had moved out. Now he was really alone. How could he leave him like this in such a fragile state?

Sheldon knew it was certain that he would ever find love again. He didn't want to find love if it wasn't Amy's. She, however, she could find anyone she wanted. Someone who would treat her better than he treated her. She could move on and he was scared. Before now he had no interest in romantic relationships. After this he still had no interest. Unless it was with Amy. He never wanted to leave the comfort of his bedroom again.

He had no energy.

What was the point? Life would be too difficult. They shared friends, he would be seeing Amy nearly on a daily basis, looking at her and knowing he would never hold her, kiss her. He didn't think they would never have the same relationship ever again. It was tainted.

As a result he avoided her. He locked himself away. Hiding from the pain. No one could see how hurt he was. The hurt couldn't see him. His friends had tried to help at first but this had gone on long enough. They had never seen him this way. So broken. So they had left him. And that's the way he preferred it. Alone with his thoughts.

And he did think. He thought about everything he'd done wrong. How he could have changed things. What mistakes he'd made.

He also thought about everything he'd done right. He pictured Amy's smiling face, her sparkling eyes, and her cheerful laughter. It was those times they'd shared where he thanked his eidetic memory. Every image was clear as day and he knew that he'd never forget. He didn't want to forget her.

There was hope though. In the small box that lay in his top desk draw. A flickering hope that said he could fix this. With time.

 **Final chapter, acceptance. Happy or sad ending...?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Last chapter...**

 **Acceptance**

 _Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being "all right" or "OK" with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don't ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is gone. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves._

Amy had broken up with him. Amy had broken up with him.

It was going to be okay. He had accepted it.

Sheldon had finally ventured out of the safety of his bedroom. By taking a break he could clear his mind, he had thought a great deal. The first step was to sort himself out. His friends were supporting him again, and he let them. He didn't push them away, as they tried to help him get back into the swing of everyday life. Trying to get everything back to normal.

However, it was not normal. Amy was gone. But he was not going to leave it at that. He did not want to learn to live without Amy. The days were improving slowly but it wasn't the same. His missed her terribly.

Sheldon had thought and contemplated and reflected and deliberated. And concluded. He knew what was wrong. He knew what he had done wrong. He knew what Amy had done wrong. He could see it now. The little complications and problems that had all led to this moment.

He could fix this. He was going to fix this.

He was a different person now. Heartbreak had changed him. He was prepared to do whatever it takes to get Amy back. She may need more time and he would give it to her, but he would not rest until she takes him back.

He would be less pushy and rude. He had to show her how he had changed. How he considered her feelings, how he had matured. He had to communicate with her. They had to talk this out. Even if it took months, they had to understand each other. Be on the same page.

He wanted things to be how they once were. But better. He knew he had grown, he just had to make Amy see it. And she would see it. Amy was the only person who had ever understood him, she had been patient, she had been devoted. And he had hurt her. He deserved this.

He wanted her more than ever. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Sheldon had never understood that phrase until now. Although, he had never understood love until now. To be honest he still didn't know if he understood, all he knew was that he needed Amy back.

And he was going to get her back. He loved her. With his heart thudding in his chest he slowly raised his hand to the door and began his iconic knocking ritual.

 **Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing! It means so much! This is probably the weirdest fic I've ever written, thank you for all your support :) I thought I'd kinda leave the ending up to you guys but in my eyes it's a happy ending and they get back together eventually. I can't wait to see what happens in the show!**


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